Broski?

The other day I was talking to some of my guys friends about paint balling. One said that we should go this summer. I protested saying that it gets hot during the winter let alone summer. then he said to just go shirtless.

Then he remembered I was a girl.

Today my best friend admitted to me that sometimes he forgets that I'm a girl. I love being one of the bros. I love kicking back and not worrying about if how I'm behaving would attract guys or not. But those words started to sting. I realize how bad my masculinity has gotten. I used to dress cutely, giggle, bat my eyes, and flirt. I used to care about my appearance, get excited over dumb romantic ideas, and sigh over my daydreams. Now, well, let's just say that I have a very strong argument on how most guys are more hygienic than I am.

But I guess that's what happens when the only people one hung out with the start summer is Joe, Dong, Alex, and Sunny.

I love my guys friends to death. I really do. I've never felt so honored in my life when they officially initiated me as a bro. But I really miss my girlfriends terribly. I miss being girly. I miss feeling like a girl. It's just another example in my crazy hybrid of a life how important balance is to me.

loss of innocence

apparently all girls have this one traumatic "loss of innocence" when they start wearing tight preteeny clothes because they want to be like the cool teenagers and then get checked out by 20-30 year old creeps and BAM! woah. that was uncomfortable and made me feel dirty: my innocence is gone. well i don't doubt that a good percentage of girls probably did have that experience. well, iono about you, but i didn't. tight clothes? what? what are those? last i checked, all through elementary school and middle school the only things i had to wear were free tshirts, jeans, and hand-me-downs that dated from the 90s and even the 80s. so no. i don't think i've ever come across a creep that's ever looked me down. i guess i'm lucky then. my "traumatic" loss of innocence was watching Eurotrip the Unrated Version back in 7th grade. and then getting my first period that summer. but that's not to say i didn't want to be like those cool teenagers. i'd fantasize how when i turned 17 i'd wear shirts that showed my belly button, wore makeup, have golden streaks in my hair, date a hot guy and drive a red sports convertible to the mall and movies every weekend to hang out. oh if only my younger self could see me now. too bad for my younger self, my parents were very cunning about planting seeds in my mind to get rid of such desires. the clothes was probably the most obvious. my dad wouldn't let me out of the house in anything that dipped down too low or was cut off too high. this lasted for so long that eventually my body was physically conditioned to feel too exposed/naked/uncomfortable in anything less than i normally wore. my mom used a more mental and manipulative way. every time i even mentioned makeup she would release a huge spiel about its evils and how it destroys self confidence. she'd then reinforce this saying that i had a beautiful face that didn't need makeup to be pretty. that pretty much got lodged in my brain until i myself developed a vendetta against makeup. as far as highlights go, my mom controlled the money and the car. there wasn't much to do about that. as far as the hanging out and the mall and movies go, i simply was forbidden. movies weren't that big of deal once i got older. but all the way up till now when i turned 18, i was not allowed to hang out at the mall with my friends. i didn't have money to buy anything so why go? i could hang out at houses, why did it have to be the mall? it was a waste of time that just rotted my brain. i could be spending my time doing much better things such as reading or drawing. yeah i was pretty bitter about that one for a long time. but i guess it was legitimate. at least i was spared from creepers. so with the way i was brought up, it kinda pushed me towards a very independent path. well i was always independent since i was born [according to my mom], all this just urged it even more. pretty much all the "cool" things to do or have back as a preteen were stripped from me. i was a very uncool preteen. i had very low self confidence, felt really awkward all the time, and knew that i was very uncool. i tried to embrace the "uncoolness" by joining the nerd group [hey, if i'm uncool, might as well go all the way and love it right?]. unfortunately, i really just don't care about grades or being smart that much so that didn't work. i really couldn't join the asian group because, well i wasn't full asian. and my friends that were white really really liked reading. and i didn't read a lot back then so i didn't really fit in with them.

i didn't fit in with any group. so i guess then i subconsciously stopped caring about what others did and started thinking about myself and what i liked.

it wasn't until freshman year of high school did i realize the full effects of this introspective training. I had my first romantic relationship freshman year. we did everything [except kissing] that i always imagined doing: holding hands, hugging, walking to class together, cheesy gifts and notes. ever since i was in elementary school i imagined having the boyfriend was it. that was the highlight of life: to fall in love. i was supposed to be the happiest i've ever been. but i wasn't. instead i felt like something was wrong. unsettling. i decided i needed to figure out what and why before i could continue any of that. so i broke it off and decided to dedicate the rest of my high school to me. figure out who i am, what i believe, how i feel. i did things i wanted to do and didn't do what i plain didn't feel like doing. i wanted to pursue things i loved and get passionate over things that were important to me. and looking back on these past four years i'm glad i did that. i have a good picture of who i'd like my future husband to be, not just settling for any hot schmuck. i dress comfortably in a way i like think is pretty. i prefer thinking to myself rather than tiring myself out walking around and looking at overpriced clothing. i really could care less about what others thinks about my weight or race. these things just kinda faded over the years. i find them...iono...juvenile to even think about such things now. i am content with myself.

Every Nerd's Dream Girl

I realized the other day that my brother has trained me to become every nerd's dream girl. Ever since I was little my brother was always very eager to get me into the things he was into. The first major thing was the Star Wars Trilogy. I was very young and easily impressionable at the time thus the special effects and high-tech worlds won me over with little effort. It wasn't long before I became an expert on all things about Star Wars. I obtained all sorts of knowledge from meditation exercises that the Jedi use to get in touch with the Force (which I actually did imitate) to the death of Chewbacca long after the movies ended. Much of that knowledge has been forgotten (and not exactly missed) but I still fare as a strong teammate for Star Wars trivia games.

After the Star Wars craze died down my brother got me into a new growing fad: Dragonball Z. The intense martial arts mixed with aliens and flying discs of energy in cartoon drawings was all too easy of a transition from Star Wars. Regardless of the extremely slow moving story line, the silly Japanese humor, charisma of the main character, dynamic powers that seem to never reach a limit, and cliff hangers that repeated themselves for five straight episodes got my brother and I hooked like drugs. We had a set schedule in which once it was 5:30, everything was dropped in order to watch the new episode. We did everything from researching background stories to drawing the characters in order to learn the drawing style to even creating our own characters to be part of the storyline. However, not even the glories of Kamehamehas could entertain us for so long as the series dragged out. We stopped following once it reached the Buu series and we learned that Kid Buu blows up the earth. While my brother had one taste of the anime world and left it forever, Dragonball Z served as a large stepping stone that led me into the dark world of Anime and Manga in which I confess I still indulge in secretly.

Next came the Lord of the Rings trilogies. This was more of a challenge to convert me to since I was in fifth grade at the time of the first movie and found the Uruk-hai terrifying. I remember while in the theatre of the first movie, I asked my mom if we could leave in the middle because I was too afraid of the movie. We watched Jimmy Neutron instead (an idiotic and terrible decision on my part but I was an ignorant child back then). My brother never let me live that down thus I caved in and watched the rest of the movie in sixth grade. That's when my teeny-bopper hormones kicked in and I fell in love with the face of Legolas. I watched the second and third, religiously devoting myself in researching all I could on Legolas and the rest of Middle Earth. Of course I grew out of that craze once Orlando Bloom appeared in the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy without his gorgeous golden locks. But my love for the complex storyline and beautiful world of Middle Earth found a strong hold in my heart.

Then the xbox was released. I'd always enjoyed watching my brother play adventure games like Donkey Kong and Banjo Tooie on the N64 because it was like watching a movie to me. But then came Halo. It was the first game that we came across with co-op. Instead of watching, I could be part of the story as well. I was hooked immediately. The excitement of successfully scoping and sniping down opponents and freaking out when first encountering the flood was thrilling on levels I never imagined. Halo 2 and 3 only intensified my love for franchise as the story grew more fascinating, the weapons more powerful, and alien deaths more satisfying. The Halo era lasted the longest as a strong bond between me and my brother until a new set of games recently came out that have finally taken the Halos from their thrones.

Those games are the Left 4 Deads. I always hated zombie movies. They always depressed me. Thus when Sean came home with the first Left 4 Dead, I was not too keen on playing it with him. However, killing the same aliens with the same blue and orange blood could only satisfy for so long. As amazing as the Halo plot line was, the fun had finally become dull and I gave Left 4 Dead a try. Immediately, the fun in mindless shooting returned. All the controls were generally the same as Halo thus it was easy to pick up. I found shooting hordes of zombies not depressing as I thought it would be, but just as fun as shooting aliens. The only difference was that they didn't shoot back. There wasn't any plot but the game compensated for that in created unique characters with humorous dialogue every now and then. The first Left 4 Dead was fun, but I wasn't satisfied. I kept hearing about Left 4 Dead 2 with new characters, weapons, ammo, and special zombies. There was also more of a continuous story [not by much] instead of the individual and separate campaigns of the first game. Finally my brother and I bought a used copy and tried out the sequel. Automatically we were hooked. Not only were the characters even funnier but the range and power of the new guns was intoxicating. The new special zombies completely destroyed the systematic and unbeatable strategy of the first game, making the second game twice as challenging. Such a range of different types of weapons and explosives made killing zombies even more entertaining than before. Highly stressful and intense escape levels made our adrenal glands burst from excitement. To this day, my brother and I will play a campaign whenever we have time to spare.

I never realized the value of all this knowledge that Sean inspired in me until recently when I found more and more of my male friends having higher respect and regard for me because not only did I have knowledge in these things but that I actually enjoyed them too which apparently is unheard of in a girl. Lately I've been becoming more as one of the men, having discussions and even sometimes debates on Star Wars or Dragonball Z and planning gaming parties for Halo or L4D2 [all in which I'm the only girl that participates]. I must confess that I do enjoy all the attention. I've never really gotten into makeup and my sense of style depends more on my mood rather than motivation to physically attract guys. To be able to relate and participate in the areas that I actually enjoy with other people is a lot of fun. The fact that they happen to be all guys as well just makes it all the more fun since guys tend to be simpler and just enjoy what they do [of course this is a huge over generalization of both genders]. I love my girlfriends to death but I must admit, there are times in which I'd rather play 7.5 straight hours of Left4Dead 2 with Joe than watch Disney princess movies at a sleepover. It's just a man side I discovered that I have that I like to let out. One of my friends commented that I am the GA Tech guy's fantasy wife. As scary as that image is, I do find a compliment in that phrase. I like the thought that if I were to get a boyfriend it would be because we like playing hours of Halo together or have LOTR extended version movie marathons rather than trying to impress each other by dolling up for dinner and a romantic or scary movie.

However I'm getting ahead of myself. As much as I love my new bonds with my fellow brothers, the core reason for my interest in all these things has remained the same all these years: they are ways that I bond with my brother. Sean and I don't see eye to eye on many things nor are we the most compatible of siblings or best of friends. But we've always found some sort of common interest that serves as a bond that no one can break. As much as I love playing L4D with my guy friends, I'd give that time up any day to play it with my brother. I got into these things because of my brother and I love them because of my brother and through them I'm able to express my love for my brother. I may be every nerd's dream girl but I was my brother's sister first.

Death of Baba

For the longest time I have always called him that, "Baba." That's the Chinese way of addressing your father. He's my father, my Chinese father, and Chinese fathers only want what is best for their kids right?

Ever since I was a kid, I had big imaginative dreams. At first I wanted to be an actress. But Baba shot that dream down. 

Actresses get into bad situations. I don't want you to go into that sort of business.

Then I wanted to be a rock star but he shot that one down too.

Very few people make it big being a rock star. Most likely, you won't succeed.

Then I decided I wanted to be an artist, but he had an excuse for that too.

Artists don't make a lot of money at all. There are those who go into design and make some money and there are those who starve.

When I got into high school, my dreams started maturing a bit and I told my dad that I wanted to study psychology.

Psychologists just plain starve.

Then I started getting into film and writing scripts and I found that I did have a talent for it of sorts. I told my dad that I was thinking about writing movie scripts when I got older and he got excited. It was a good job that could make a decent living at least and make millions at most. He became confident in my talent and ability telling me that I could go really big with this. That I could truly live up to my full potential and make a good living for myself along with a good amount set aside for him and my mom when they retire. It made me happy seeing him get so excited about my future.

But.

Something bothered me on the inside. I loved the thought of writing movies for the rest of my life. It made me feel like I would be able to live out my passion for expressing and creating stories. However, something inside told me that this was not where my life was headed. Something inside me had another passion. A passion for people. The Navajo Native Americans living out in Arizona to be more specific. Something told me that I needed to reach out to the broken youth there. That my place was teaching. That my calling was loving the people that already exist, not create other ones. I knew that was part of my purpose if not the whole thing. I knew that that was where I was supposed to go. Out into the desert, not into the stars. I knew I couldn't deny it. It was a part of me and I was a part of it. 

But.

I was terrified. I was terrified of what lay before me, of what was in my future, of what was to come. And most of all, I was terrified of telling Baba. I could not even begin to imagine what sort of objections and obstacles he would put in front of my path. One day, we were out eating dinner, just the two of us, and I blurted out my dream to him. I don't know why but I told him everything from the brokenness in the Native American people to the beautiful dry atmosphere to my fears to the sacrifices I would have to make to the call to teach. He sat quietly for a while. Then he started telling me about how he and my mom, after they just got married, saved up every penny they made to pay off any debts as soon as they could. He told me how my mom worked hard and how they lived very meagerly to save as much money as possible.

You don't need money or things to be happy.

Then he told me that I should probably start looking for a doctor or another teacher with this same vision to marry.

I always knew you were bright and could go really high if you wanted to. But you know, when I was young, I never got the opportunity to do what I wanted. My life was chosen for me. Go do what you want. I support you and this. Maybe one day your mom and I will go out and join you.

It was the first time that I did not have to live up to his expectations anymore. That I know now he loves me because I am his daughter, not the dutiful obedient good daughter that all Chinese parents want. That my dreams are his dreams because he loves me. And lately, I find that I call him Baba a lot less now. At times I'll catch myself calling him...

Daddy.

White, Yellow, and a Mutt

Multiracial. That's what I have to bubble in under Race or Ethnicity on standardized tests. Some occasions they don't have either so I have to bubble in "Other." It's such a little thing but basically that is what describes a huge part of my identity. I'm an "other." I don't really like the word multiracial. To me it's one of those politically correct terms. Personally, it's almost mocking. In truth there is no multiracial. When you are multiracial, you really just have no race. 

I hated it in the beginning. I wanted to be either or, not both. In middle school I felt so alone. Like I half belonged with my friends because I was only half of them. I felt that many of the people my friends were friends with, would be my friends if I was just born pure-bred. I couldn't identify with anyone. Not fully. And I can't really relate much with other mutts either. Because it's a mix and you never know how much of one aspect is poured in over the other or what different parts were chosen and which were left out. One becomes one's own race. It's a lonely feeling: to never be fully connected with either heritage. I didn't have that crutch as some do. You know, when people ask you to describe your personality or ask what's your identity. I can't say Chinese or American. Sure I can say mutt, but what is a mutt? Chinese have a distinctive culture as do Americans. So what's the culture of a mutt?

But I must say, I'm glad I was born mixed. I'm proud to call myself a mutt. The years of a grueling search for my identity was worth it. I am an individual. I can choose aspects of the Chinese culture that I like and reject others that I don't and do the same with the American culture. I have my own culture and it is my own. I almost pity those who use their ethnicity to identify themselves for they never search for the characteristic beauty GOD has hidden in each of them. Racial identity is a crutch. It'll help you hobble on your way for a bit but if you depend on it too long, you'll forget how to use your own leg. I was given two broken legs without any crutches but now I can walk strongly and proudly. 

I am a beautiful mutt.

Tables, Corners, Anywhere Hidden

I have to say that I respect my mom more than anyone else at the moment. I've always had. Any other American-raised woman would've left, split, skedaddled, given up on the seemingly hopeless case I call Dad. But she didn't. She made her choice to love and commit to my father and she did. When I was young, there were a lot of fights. Scary ones. My mom never yells; my dad and I joke about how she doesn't have the lung capacity to even if she wanted to. But my dad yells. Loud. And fiercely. When he'd yell, I hid. Under tables, in corners, anywhere where I could escape from the fire. And I'd cry. I don't know why, probably because of some sort of fear, but I'd cry until it ended. It was even worse when he was angry at us. But whenever that happened my mom always came and threw herself in the way, redirecting the anger towards her.

For a while I thought they were going to get divorced. But they didn't. One thing about my father is that he is and will always be faithful to my mom. And my mom never takes the easy way. Over more than a decade of years my mom patiently stuck by my dad and worked with him. And over that time period, his temper was turned down many notches. That's not to say he got rid of it. I don't think he ever will. But the fights are rare and the extreme yelling pretty much dormant. Instead of slaying it, my mom tamed the dragon. She was our knight in shining armor.

I look at my parents relationship now and I see one I want to have when I get married. I don't want to marry a hard-headed goat per se, but I want a relationship full of good joyous times. But in between the good times I want conflict and fights, to prove that we aren't perfect, that we're merely human. And when those conflicts come up, I want to rise above them together. I want a relationship where we show the true meaning of love: that through the good and the bad we stay committed and we grow. I want my kids to look at us and see their knights in shining armor.

Oh Brother Dear

Just recently my brother finally asked a girl to a dance. It will be his first date ever. 

He's 21 years old.

That's the kind of person he is. If he's not sure about something, he won't do it. He'll leave it there to either disappear or wait until he's ready to handle it. And he will wait a pretty long time. But still, this is a mark for him. I never thought I would even see the day.

I guess my parents are right. Perhaps I'm a little harsh on my brother. I don't really like him. I love him for sure, he's my brother. But if he wasn't my brother, I wouldn't like him at all. He's a short-tempered, persistent, self-centered, meddling, inconsiderate, aggressive, stubborn, arrogant and just-plain awkward little crab.

Now I'm being a little too harsh. Lately he's gotten better. A LOT better. And with all the bad qualities, he does have his good ones. He is the single most honest and trustworthy person I personally think ever existed. He has God in his heart and thus he wants to get better, hence the recent growth. And he really does care. Sure he'll throw his fits but he will never ever get violent. And even though we have to put up with the fits at first, later on, when he has blown his steam off and has calmed down, he'll realize he was wrong and apologize. He just needs to vent out his frustration first which is a hard trait to live with. So in all honesty, I was and still am very skeptical about whether or not he will ever marry. Not skeptical in him finding a girl to marry, but skeptical about a girl good enough to be able to see past his difficult side and care for him. I won't lie(something he inspired me to do), it's not easy living with my brother. I would know, I lived with him for 16 years. It's a challenge. But I do sincerely hope and pray that he does find a really good girl who is tough enough to deal with him and sweet enough to want to deal with him. He has his flaws but he makes up for them with his qualities. I hope someone other than my mom and me will be able to see that.