loss of innocence

apparently all girls have this one traumatic "loss of innocence" when they start wearing tight preteeny clothes because they want to be like the cool teenagers and then get checked out by 20-30 year old creeps and BAM! woah. that was uncomfortable and made me feel dirty: my innocence is gone. well i don't doubt that a good percentage of girls probably did have that experience. well, iono about you, but i didn't. tight clothes? what? what are those? last i checked, all through elementary school and middle school the only things i had to wear were free tshirts, jeans, and hand-me-downs that dated from the 90s and even the 80s. so no. i don't think i've ever come across a creep that's ever looked me down. i guess i'm lucky then. my "traumatic" loss of innocence was watching Eurotrip the Unrated Version back in 7th grade. and then getting my first period that summer. but that's not to say i didn't want to be like those cool teenagers. i'd fantasize how when i turned 17 i'd wear shirts that showed my belly button, wore makeup, have golden streaks in my hair, date a hot guy and drive a red sports convertible to the mall and movies every weekend to hang out. oh if only my younger self could see me now. too bad for my younger self, my parents were very cunning about planting seeds in my mind to get rid of such desires. the clothes was probably the most obvious. my dad wouldn't let me out of the house in anything that dipped down too low or was cut off too high. this lasted for so long that eventually my body was physically conditioned to feel too exposed/naked/uncomfortable in anything less than i normally wore. my mom used a more mental and manipulative way. every time i even mentioned makeup she would release a huge spiel about its evils and how it destroys self confidence. she'd then reinforce this saying that i had a beautiful face that didn't need makeup to be pretty. that pretty much got lodged in my brain until i myself developed a vendetta against makeup. as far as highlights go, my mom controlled the money and the car. there wasn't much to do about that. as far as the hanging out and the mall and movies go, i simply was forbidden. movies weren't that big of deal once i got older. but all the way up till now when i turned 18, i was not allowed to hang out at the mall with my friends. i didn't have money to buy anything so why go? i could hang out at houses, why did it have to be the mall? it was a waste of time that just rotted my brain. i could be spending my time doing much better things such as reading or drawing. yeah i was pretty bitter about that one for a long time. but i guess it was legitimate. at least i was spared from creepers. so with the way i was brought up, it kinda pushed me towards a very independent path. well i was always independent since i was born [according to my mom], all this just urged it even more. pretty much all the "cool" things to do or have back as a preteen were stripped from me. i was a very uncool preteen. i had very low self confidence, felt really awkward all the time, and knew that i was very uncool. i tried to embrace the "uncoolness" by joining the nerd group [hey, if i'm uncool, might as well go all the way and love it right?]. unfortunately, i really just don't care about grades or being smart that much so that didn't work. i really couldn't join the asian group because, well i wasn't full asian. and my friends that were white really really liked reading. and i didn't read a lot back then so i didn't really fit in with them.

i didn't fit in with any group. so i guess then i subconsciously stopped caring about what others did and started thinking about myself and what i liked.

it wasn't until freshman year of high school did i realize the full effects of this introspective training. I had my first romantic relationship freshman year. we did everything [except kissing] that i always imagined doing: holding hands, hugging, walking to class together, cheesy gifts and notes. ever since i was in elementary school i imagined having the boyfriend was it. that was the highlight of life: to fall in love. i was supposed to be the happiest i've ever been. but i wasn't. instead i felt like something was wrong. unsettling. i decided i needed to figure out what and why before i could continue any of that. so i broke it off and decided to dedicate the rest of my high school to me. figure out who i am, what i believe, how i feel. i did things i wanted to do and didn't do what i plain didn't feel like doing. i wanted to pursue things i loved and get passionate over things that were important to me. and looking back on these past four years i'm glad i did that. i have a good picture of who i'd like my future husband to be, not just settling for any hot schmuck. i dress comfortably in a way i like think is pretty. i prefer thinking to myself rather than tiring myself out walking around and looking at overpriced clothing. i really could care less about what others thinks about my weight or race. these things just kinda faded over the years. i find them...iono...juvenile to even think about such things now. i am content with myself.